Tuesday, February 11, 2014

What it's All About.

I saw a picture of myself that was taken this weekend, and it made me cry. Things just got REAL.

This is the picture:

I am the one in the dark green with the jeans. I know I am overweight, but I have not seen a picture of myself in a while. I usually feel like I am healthy, so it is easy to forget that I am also about 90 lbs overweight. 

This was me, right before I had kids, when I was in the best shape of my life:

I was hardly slight, at 5'2" and 145-ish pounds and a size 8, but barely recognizable to today's me. 

So, how did I get here? 

I gained all of my extra weight when I had my two children, the youngest is now 2 1/2. I gained 100 lbs with my first Daughter. It was stressful and terrifying. I asked the Gyno about it several times and she just said "You can just lose the extra weight after the baby is born"

After about 2 years of effort with no success, I had an emergency surgery to remove my gall bladder that had crystallized. Within about a month I lost 40 lbs and was finally starting to feel ok again. I decided to have another baby and got pregnant again about 6 months later. I had miscarriage, but in the 6 weeks I was pregnant I gained 60 lbs. Seriously, WTF. 

I told my new gyno, and he suggested going on a low glycemic diet when I got pregnant again a few months later. During that pregnancy I took the drs advice and I gained a normal amount, most of which came off during labor and the few months after, but now I still weigh around 235 lbs from the other pregnancies. 

Since penny was born I have:

•Read countless books on fitness, nutrition, and weight-loss
•Spent over a year working out 3 times a week with a trainer
•completely changed my diet, which now consists primary of lean protein and raw organic produce (including fresh green veggie juice 1-3 times a day) 
•exercised 3-6 days a week including both strength and cardio workouts
•Been tested for lots of things, including but not limited to diabetes and hypoglycemia 
•Started meditations and visualizations
•Lost 20 pounds over a year and a half
• Stopped playing roller derby (but still exercising) and gained 25 over 2 months (no, I am not pregnant) 

When I explain this people seem to imply that I am lying. Sometimes they do not say they think that but I can just tell that they question my efforts by brushing me off and saying "it's hard to lose weight". I lost weight many times before I had kids, and yes, it IS hard, but it has never been this hard. 

I feel like I have been consistent. I feel like I am healthier and happier than I have ever been, except that I am fat... REALLY fat. At this point sometimes I feel like I am fat enough that it is more important to get down to a healthy weight than to do it in a healthy way. After being told enough times that the scale does not lie, I think it is time to document my efforts. It will either ensure I am consistent, or it will (at least sort of) prove I am if I try talking to a doctor or nutritionist about it again. I am hard working, and I take good care of myself. I deserve to be fit and healthy, and I will succeed. 

What I want:

Honestly, at this point I would be satisfied if I got down to a muscular 160-170 lbs and THRILLED to be back to my pre-baby weight of 145. Since I am only 5'2" I really think I can do better than that. I think my ideal weight is 125-130 lbs. and a size 4-6. To get there I need to lose 100+ lbs (weighed in today at 135) and I am wearing a size 18, so I would need to lose 6-8 dress sizes. 

This is another derby skater, and has always been a motivating image and an ideal body: 

That photo is from ESPN and you can read more about the shoot here http://espn.go.com/espnw/body-issue/7053967/suzy-hotrod

At some point I want to be able to do a flag:

(image from recordsetter) 

But I don't even know where to start. 

I want to be able to do pull-ups, and chin ups, and not just one, but sets of them. 

I want to be the best roller derby player I know. 

I am have a degree in fashion design and i hate shopping for clothes. I want to enjoy buying clothes again. 

I want to feel confident in all things, and I want to love myself for the first time. Ever. 

I want to succeed beyond my wildest dreams and do things I have not even thought of yet. 

I want to be able to run for miles, and enjoy it. 

I want to be a positive role model for my children. 

I wan to feel comfortable in a swimsuit. 

I want to be inspirational to others. 

I want to stop hiding from the world. 

I want to be happy and healthy, and live this way for a very long time. 

I want to be the absolute BEST version of 

♥ Erica

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