Good  Morning! 

I don't feel like I have much to say... so lets see where I go. 

I entered the food I ate last week in to a food calculator. My calories were suprisingly consistent, so that was cool. I did notice I was way under on protein, so I am going to try to step it up. I did well with that yesterday. 

I feel pretty good, but I am bummed out that I seem to be stalling. I am thinking about starting a youtube video blog because I find the vlogs I have seen about others on the keto diet to be really inspiring. I just worry because it seems like people can be pretty cruel on youtube and a lot of people seem to troll around there.

The kids made a huge mess upstairs in their rooms yesterday, so that was disappointing.  I did not see it, but when Adam put autumn to bed he said it looked like they spilled a whole gallon of water on the floor.

I made a new design yesterday, maybe I will post it on my other blog... it is a drawing of one of our cats wearing a crown :)

I am feeling a little apathetic today. I would like to feel happier. I guess the best way to do that is to get happy- I strongly believe we create our lives and are in charge of our emotions ( for the most part, of course, I have also suffered from severe depression, etc. so I know how that feels uncontrollable) .

So... lets end this post with five things that make me happy...

1. My awesome, sweet, handsome, wonderful husband
2. My Children (when they are not driving me crazy, lol)
3.  Cats. I love cats.
4. Being self employed.
5. Playing roller derby.

Life really is pretty awesome.


Food Journal:

Yesterday

breakfast 
2 eggs scrambled with green chili and cheese
2 slices bacon
1 cup fatty coffee.

Lunch- Still working on that roast chicken, Skin on 1/2 serving (4 small squares) of lillys dark chocolate (no sugar, stevia sweetened) 

Snack, Fatty chai

Dinner
1/2 cup sauerkraut (leftover from yesterday, Brats were cooked in it) , 6 uncured pepperoni slices(large) 1.5 oz Robusto cheese. 1/2 avocado

Calories: 1358 Carbs: 15 Fat: 117 Protein: 70 

I did much better on the protein !

What it's All About.

I saw a picture of myself that was taken this weekend, and it made me cry. Things just got REAL.

This is the picture:

I am the one in the dark green with the jeans. I know I am overweight, but I have not seen a picture of myself in a while. I usually feel like I am healthy, so it is easy to forget that I am also about 90 lbs overweight. 

This was me, right before I had kids, when I was in the best shape of my life:

I was hardly slight, at 5'2" and 145-ish pounds and a size 8, but barely recognizable to today's me. 

So, how did I get here? 

I gained all of my extra weight when I had my two children, the youngest is now 2 1/2. I gained 100 lbs with my first Daughter. It was stressful and terrifying. I asked the Gyno about it several times and she just said "You can just lose the extra weight after the baby is born"

After about 2 years of effort with no success, I had an emergency surgery to remove my gall bladder that had crystallized. Within about a month I lost 40 lbs and was finally starting to feel ok again. I decided to have another baby and got pregnant again about 6 months later. I had miscarriage, but in the 6 weeks I was pregnant I gained 60 lbs. Seriously, WTF. 

I told my new gyno, and he suggested going on a low glycemic diet when I got pregnant again a few months later. During that pregnancy I took the drs advice and I gained a normal amount, most of which came off during labor and the few months after, but now I still weigh around 235 lbs from the other pregnancies. 

Since penny was born I have:

•Read countless books on fitness, nutrition, and weight-loss

•Spent over a year working out 3 times a week with a trainer

•completely changed my diet, which now consists primary of lean protein and raw organic produce (including fresh green veggie juice 1-3 times a day) 

•exercised 3-6 days a week including both strength and cardio workouts

•Been tested for lots of things, including but not limited to diabetes and hypoglycemia 

•Started meditations and visualizations

•Lost 20 pounds over a year and a half

• Stopped playing roller derby (but still exercising) and gained 25 over 2 months (no, I am not pregnant) 

When I explain this people seem to imply that I am lying. Sometimes they do not say they think that but I can just tell that they question my efforts by brushing me off and saying "it's hard to lose weight". I lost weight many times before I had kids, and yes, it IS hard, but it has never been this hard. 

I feel like I have been consistent. I feel like I am healthier and happier than I have ever been, except that I am fat... REALLY fat. At this point sometimes I feel like I am fat enough that it is more important to get down to a healthy weight than to do it in a healthy way. After being told enough times that the scale does not lie, I think it is time to document my efforts. It will either ensure I am consistent, or it will (at least sort of) prove I am if I try talking to a doctor or nutritionist about it again. I am hard working, and I take good care of myself. I deserve to be fit and healthy, and I will succeed. 

What I want:

Honestly, at this point I would be satisfied if I got down to a muscular 160-170 lbs and THRILLED to be back to my pre-baby weight of 145. Since I am only 5'2" I really think I can do better than that. I think my ideal weight is 125-130 lbs. and a size 4-6. To get there I need to lose 100+ lbs (weighed in today at 135) and I am wearing a size 18, so I would need to lose 6-8 dress sizes. 

This is another derby skater, and has always been a motivating image and an ideal body: 

That photo is from ESPN and you can read more about the shoot here http://espn.go.com/espnw/body-issue/7053967/suzy-hotrod

At some point I want to be able to do a flag:

(image from recordsetter) 

But I don't even know where to start. 

I want to be able to do pull-ups, and chin ups, and not just one, but sets of them. 

I want to be the best roller derby player I know. 

I am have a degree in fashion design and i hate shopping for clothes. I want to enjoy buying clothes again. 

I want to feel confident in all things, and I want to love myself for the first time. Ever. 

I want to succeed beyond my wildest dreams and do things I have not even thought of yet. 

I want to be able to run for miles, and enjoy it. 

I want to be a positive role model for my children. 

I wan to feel comfortable in a swimsuit. 

I want to be inspirational to others. 

I want to stop hiding from the world. 

I want to be happy and healthy, and live this way for a very long time. 

I want to be the absolute BEST version of 

ME. 

♥ Erica

Exercise and Food Journal

Friday- Climbing 2 hours With Adam
Saturday- none
Sunday- Roller Skating For 2 hours at the rink. Skated as fast as possible and low as possible.

I have decided to also start a food journal.

Sunday
•Breakfast: Green Juice (fresh veggie juice), Scrambled Eggs, 4 slices bacon
•Lunch: Green Juice
•snack: 2 pc organic white bread (boo... white bread) and 2 slices grass fed cheddar
♥ Skated for 2 hours
 •Snack: Green Juice with raw protein powder
 •Dinner: Grassfed 95%  Lean Hamburger on wheat bun with pickles and  Salad (spring mix, shaved rainbow carrots, olive oil and vinegar)

And, I am about to do my workout, So for motivation: